Crazy World To Live Alone
by Haligh
Summary: Doctor Daniel Jonas contemplates his feelings for Chelsea, surfing, and leaving Salem, complete with blips of applicable lyrics at the intro and outro. First DooL fic!


_ Every time the day  
Darkens down and goes away  
Pictures open in my head  
Of me and you, silent and cliché  
All the things we did and didn't say  
Covered by what we did and didn't do  
Going through every out I used to  
Cope to make the repetition stop  
What was I supposed to say?  
Now I never leave my zone  
We're both alone, I'm going home  
I wish I'd never seen your face_

It was becoming harder and harder to go to work in the morning – I would wake and stare at the ceiling, tortured by dreams filled with hair of burnet. I lay suspended between foggy sleep and wake, and all I can see is skin, her burning, niveous skin, glowing in the dim light. Her body is thin and willowy, the grace of a swan, or a floating chrysanthemum...

I didn't ask to feel this way. God damn it, this always happens. I can never settle down in one place without romance hanging over my head. I don't want to be a lover – Lovers always have their heads in the clouds. No, I don't want to be a dreamer, since they are always far away. I want to be _here, _where I'm needed most, where I can save lives and god damn it I see her again, in that hospital bed, and I know I'm going to have to discharge her soon and then I'll get to leave. I can hardly stand being in the same room with her. There's something about the way her eyes sparkle, some odd glint, and I wonder how Nick ever snagged a girl like her. How could she go with a guy like him? He's all science, all business – And Chelsea, she's all fun. She's in her twenties and still a teenage girl – She needs someone young, at least, at heart.

Not that I'm making excuses. Hell, just forget it, you know what? She's _too young _for me. I'm near double her age, and you know what? I feel like a goddamn pedophile every time I look at her that way, and I hope she doesn't notice. I don't know if anybody has been able to tell how damn _hard _this is for me. I keep a smile on my face, fake adamancy and determination about getting out of here and back to Mother Ocean. Mother Ocean, who's given so much peace to me, who's cool embrace will always be there when I feel myself grow weary… I don't want to leave. God, I don't want to leave. For the first time in a long time, I feel trapped, tethered, and I hate it. I hate being tied down. I try damn hard to keep this smilin' face on, never let anybody know the conflict in my head. I remain cool, calm, collected, professional… diplomatic and distant. It's the only way to stay alive.

I yearn almost romantically for the sea again, for it to embrace me in it's salty arms. I miss the calm hum of the shore, the grainy softness of warm sand between my toes, bonfires at night with good friends and good drinks. I miss being myself, being natural. I take a hell of a lot of vacations because work is always a facade. I can't relax there - I'm not supposed to, I'm there to save _lives _and there's no time for jokes - The people I all meet are all business. I miss my mates down by the shore, and I long for them almost as much as I long for this young woman.

She's so strong, you know? It reminds me of the waves can crash down hair during a hurricane. Yeah, I know, enough with the ocean analogies already, Doc, you're boring us to death with our oceanic amphigory, but I have a point, alright? Bear with me. Chelsea's strength and love is fierce. I think she's very brave, and I guess opposites attract. I know I'm a coward. I've run away from every relationship I've ever been in. Love terrifies the hell out of me. It always finds a way of completely ruining anything, any part of me, any part of any us, that I've been hard at work restoring.

This emotion started simmering, and now it's burning, flipping, setting my heart on fire – The flames spread to my lungs and God, it's hard to breathe, I put my hand over my closed eyes as though it will block out the dream but she's everywhere – Brown hair, coy grin, small breasts, pale skin… Long fingers brush my cheek.

I wake up like I always do to the radio – A pop song is playing loud – all sticky with sweat and feeling anxious. A long shower, perhaps a half-hearted prayer to God or The Universe or anybody that will _listen at all _to forget this gal, a coffee and I'm off to work. I know I'm going to see her today. She's not my patient anymore, but my feet just take me there, to her door, before my mind can catch up and call it off. I end up at her doorstep on her welcome mat beating around the bush. We stare at one another with longing, but talk about the weather and her dad. We both have starving lips in love, yet neither of us can bring them to _touch…_

Screw it.

I stood in the doorway, staring out. I could see the whole world unfolded infront of me. Another thirty, forty years alone on this wasteland, making distant friends, and going back to my only woman, Mother Ocean. And I'm thinking, I was terrified, and I was thinking, _If I leave now there may __**never **__be another chance._

I turned, and before I knew what I was doing, Chelsea was in my arms – God, but is that girl small. Sometimes I think she looks ill, she's so small, in thin yellow and blue lights she looks diseased. I try not to think about that, and we kiss for what seems like forever, but my heart is on fire again and I find my head swimming. I'm a doctor, damn it, they're not supposed to do that, and what would her dad say if I stayed – _I can't stay –_

I bolted like a goddamn coward, and it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I hopped in the car and drove. Just _drove. _I fought off the thoughts that bumped into one another and tried to control me.

I think I'm in love for the first time. I mean, _really _in love for the first time.

I've had girls before. I've had girls that I've known everything about, and I thought that was love, coupled with a similar taste in entertainment. I've only known Chelsea a short while – There's so much more about her I don't know, so much incomplete, but already I feel myself drowning.

Doctor Daniel Jonas, getting drunk as hell at the pub, _and, as always, _he'strying to forget real life. All that exists in my head after a few of those glasses – me and my friends, and it's just the ocean. Everything else – everything hard and complicated – It fades away, the roars of the sea swallow up my problems. That's it – I just have to feed one more problem to the sea, one more insecurity. What could it hurt? I'll be back soon. Already booked a flight. I can't not go… but I can't _leave, _not alone, I can't be alone anymore. It's incredibly lonely, now knowing a feeling so intense exists, and trying to pretend it doesn't. I'd like to go back to normalcy, life before this girl, but I can't – because I've _felt, _and because I know.

So I keep tossing and turning, I keep with the dreams, and I try to ask _why. _I try to ask _how. _

_Waltz 1#, Ball and Chain, _I keep my sad love songs to myself – It don't mean I don't sing them, in one way or another.

The alcohol seems to have gone to my head. It's starting to hurt – If I leave this problem alone, maybe, maybe it'll solve itself. I just need to forget about it right now.

I climb back into my bed, turn on my alarm clock, and wait for the cycle to begin again. I close my eyes and wait to smell her skin. Wait for her to trap me in her birdcage, her love and eyes a ball and chain, and I'm not entirely sure I'm unhappy about that... but _Lord! _How I want to break free of all this.

I sleep, and I dream.

_People listen up,  
Don't stand to close  
I've got somethin' that you all should know  
Holy matrimony is not for me,  
I'd rather die alone in misery_

_  
_  
_I don't feel no pain  
I don't have no time  
To listen to conflicting points of view, oh  
It's a crazy world to live alone  
I step into the great unknown  
On a ball and chain I call my own_

**A/N: I DON'T OWN SHIT. I didn't quite get the feeling I was going for, but this was a one-shot. Help me capture Danny's voice by giving me tips on what you think is/isn't realistic. Was I too much of a gushing romantic? Was it too casual/professional? Too many verbs?! Did I digress too much? First DooL fic ever, and Danny is my favorite character, so... (:**

**LYRICS: ****_Ball and Chain _is by Sublime. It reminded me of Daniel for some reason. Hmm.**_  
Waltz 1 _**is by Elliot Smith.**

Both are available on **projectplaylist or youtube if you'd like a good listen. Ciao, don't forget to review!**


End file.
